plantshit

I’m still alive unfortunately! and I cant even feel sad for myself.

If this is my last post it means I didnt made it and I am dead .....

I will continue the second part of the Winter in the Northlands story later.

It happened yesterday . I had just left my home for a walk , I started my Ipod and played a song from old times. Shortly after ,my life passed by in my head, every emotions I ever felt passed through my body, the pictures of all people that have ever matter or that I have ever care about for came up like pictures in my sight, my body steamed and my blood boiled . The feelings I thought had been lost forever .

I wanted to destroy and scream out load, even if the world felt different, it was the same but more beautiful and calm .I wanted to scream and jump around and wave my hands like a lunatic . I wanted to kick in the snow and  tear down and destroy  the things that passed my way , small trees ,bushes , snow cubes....and it felt good.

I wanted to destroy everything in my path, I wanted to break down the biggest trees. There was no limits for me and I wanted to climb, climb up higher then the trees. I wanted to kill , kill those who I had loved and care about in the past, rip there heads off , bit off there heads. I wanted to feel there warm blood.
Time didn’t exist, I felt I could live forever and I wanted this to last forever. A release from everything. A new life. I felt more alive then I have ever been before, the world was not boring , it was beautiful and I wanted to destroy it and kill . I felt I could walk for all eternity with the energy inside of me. Nothing in this world have ever give me such fascinating. I didn’t want it to end, I never wanted to go home , I wanted to go out in the world to destroy and kill . I loved the night more then ever, a joy spread through my body ,a satisfaction for everything I destroyed, it felt greater for every thing I brought down.

There was no a pain in my body, it was like all small annoying pain I usually have in my limbs and muscles were gone, every cell in my body felt alive .
I felt ten times stronger then before and as I walked I could see a pair of eyes in my sight like an illusion that cut the light of the world out and made it dark.
I could only see the eyes and they were dark and beautiful. I felt attractive to them, it was calling for me and I got paralysed and wanted to be with them . 

I could now see the rest of the face, it was a young beautiful boy, he looked on me with his pale face and dark red hair. I wanted to have him close and feel his warm body, I wanted to be with him. Kiss his white face, huge him and see into his big magical eyes .  I watched him and I couldn’t take my mind and sight of him , he was so beautiful and wanted to be with him even more.
He looked on me, smiling with his small mouth and without saying anything I knew he was looking for me and had found me.

He was gone and I felt all I had was fading away. I said no come back in my head. It  fade away, as the same speed as it came it was gone, I didn’t want it to end, I wanted it back and him back. no sadness you get from anything can be compared to this sadness of this fading away and him gone.
This was different. This was real , I felt a tears in my eyes, I wanted to cry . I walked for a few hours, playing the same old song over and over . I felt tired when I came home, more empty then ever. I felt I could never take drugs or drinks alcohol anymore, there was no use for it , I felt the same thing about sex. I didn’t want to have anything of it, I wanted to have what I felt this night back and I wanted to be with the young boy forever, whatever it may take. I wanted to throw my self to the ground, in the snow and freeze to death and hope it would come back for me and save me.

The autumn conquer the last leafs on the trees, the world is going to rest, a beautiful mixture of colours covers the world in orange and red, its getting colder, wet and the sky is grey. The ground is covered in dead leafs that lays like a golden blanket in the forest. The mushroom grows, creating an season more unique then any other season, the spiders crawls the ground, building web in the morning dew that leaves a few small water drops on the spider web,  its there season and they love it.

 

A hare makes it appearance, savoring the magical fragrance of the new season, he’s getting ready for the winter, his fur has begun to become white . He find some herb leafs to chew on, the dew has make it more tasteful , he just enjoy it for a short moment, always on watch, the danger in the forest is everywhere, you must be careful else you will become dead he tells with his eyes, he doesn’t want to speak or make a sound, to afraid of getting attention from someone else.

The sunrise approach and he travels home to his burrow, looking back all the time to see if someone follow him. He will lay in his nest until the sun goes down, he’s afraid of everything , he lives alone like the rest of his kind and they only meet each other to mate. No one wants to take responsibility for another, no one wants to make friends in a world which there’s no peace and love, always persecuted . It doesn’t pass a day he don’t  wish the world would be different , he thinks while cleaning his fur in his burrow.

 

In the other side of the forest the brown bear walks around, he likes the autumn. He has become fat and is living alone, he doesn’t want to spend his life with a girl . He just want to fuck he says for himself while smiling a bit with his yellow fangs. He continues, life with a girl is a worthless life ,all male bears now that, we tell the girls we going to stay and sleep together the whole winter and make a family, but as soon we have fuck them we run away. When all males do this, we all get to fuck a lot, because all girls are single and we all fuck and dump them. He laugh while digging out a ant stack, he will sleep in the stack over the winter. Its a good enough crib for me he says like he doesn’t care so much about his place for the winter.

 

The snow has come and the once orange and red world has now become white and cold. No one likes it, the forest seems empty. Put there as some who refuse to rest on the winter.

 

Under an old tree we found the king of the forest. He wears his antlers proudly, the elk. This is the arrogance douche bag of the forest . Everyone laughs at him, he always think he knows best and all he talks is politics , everyone is getting sick of his talk. He has no friends and still he walks and talk to everyone like  they are his best friends.

 

Our old friend the hare sits under some bushes that are covered in snow, he eyes are dark and he looks more frighten then ever, he breaths heavier now, to afraid to go hibernation. He shakes out of nervousness , his heart beats fast. He’s not happy , every sounds freaks him out, its driving him insane. He never sleeps and is paranoid, everyone feels sorry for the hares.  

 

End part one

Humans lives in societies like ants do, the stack is very similar to the human society , for example is the stack population categorised in different classes , the worker ants , drones and queens. Very similar to the humans classes : the worker class, the law enforcement class and the leader class.

Worker ants and the human worker class is the engine of the stack, they do most of the work , collecting food and building materials for the stack, build the stack larger and make ventilation tunnels and take care of the maintenance work and such. Everything to satisfy the higher classes in the hierarchy ladder.

Everything that’s is found belongs to the stack, the worker ant is rewarded with the leftovers from the higher classes. There voices means nothing , the stack spreads propaganda amongst its workers . To make them think they belong to something great and that’s worth fighting for , when in truth the meaning of the stack is to make a good living for the queen .
On an on the worker ant class is pushed to serve the stack, the propaganda creates a fake reality of happiness and the worker ants think they are happy with what they do and have. No one wants to be different, no one wants to say anything, the drones ants keep hard watch over the worker lines and make sure everything is in order. There shall not be any treat for the system!

Deep inside the stack the queen ants has locked herself up , paranoid about the world outside the stack She looks in the mirror and hate herself most of all, she just wants more and more things, she never get satisfies and wants no one except herself to be happy. She spend most of her time in the harem , eating ,having sex and make babies with the stack most beautiful ants, but the conscious eat her up from inside ,creating a big black hole inside her.

I was home most of the time , reading a book. I felt cosy in the leather chair, I buried myself into book and put a warm blanket over myself. I swept through the pages in the book, savoring the sweet tasting knowledge. When I was done I took a walk, to think about what I have recently read in the book.

The subject was about people living in groups by certain rules and laws that had to be followed, if the laws was not lived by they were sure there kind will fall, this was how the eldest have thought generations by generations , and it was meant to be followed . Anyone that was an outcast was supposed to be killed or turned into the group. I find it very interest to think about , people working in group , trying to figure out the way of living .

I came home, it was late and I was very hungry , I walked to the kitchen. Made a big meal that I wolf down in pure enjoyment. If god exist, what would he think about me , eating the food with such enjoyment, I even spice it up a bit to make it more tasteful . Wouldn't that be gluttony, to enjoy my meal more then I need ,are we suppose to suffer and be nothing , to then live happy in all eternity in paradise. I don’t know, I have never experienced ,seen or learned a secret that would prove his existence, as far as I know there no higher power. There’s no other dimensions as I have discovered I haven’t seen any vision about anything else then this, there’s just energy and materia floating around in nothing . Nothing that could save or damned my soul. Endless ,unchangeable....detached

I did what most people did, spend my time with friends and girls. I was more alive then I had never been before , and there was not a care or single misfortune in my life. I was happy and life was wonderful.

Until the day came when I was 16. It was summer and I couldn’t sleep at night, it was to warm and I could only sleep in the morning. I felt changed , I was very confused and I couldn’t think clear and deep , I made bad choices, and I couldn’t understand my feelings, I never thought issues through. I had nothing , I failed with everything and didn’t care, life fucked up as I blamed others for my actions. I lost most of my friends and I was stuck in this cycle that just made the same mistakes over and over again, and I couldn’t change myself, even if I wanted to be free from this prison and go back to my previous life. I longed to be released from the suffering of living.

I quit school and spend most of my time drinking , do shit and gamble now . I wanted to loose it all, my asset, my sanity, still I couldn’t end my life how much I even tried to push myself to do it, something inside of me kept me alive, waiting for the moment ,growing, I could feel it and how I suffered.

The moment came at last, it wasn’t as I expected. I woke up , tired of the world and my life, slowly I began to live again, I began to exercise and make my self a decent living .But it wasn’t the life a I thought it would become.
I kept mostly for myself and changed, I begin to think about everything , the life , the love and all the things that existed. I could find some answers for my questions, they were inside of me, and for a time I felt a sort of peace. I began to loose my feelings and I didn’t care, as the time went on I became more and more emotionless. I moved to my own place , living day after day , waiting and searching for the answer.

The end

I'm nothing , if not a human , that’s all I know, sometimes I question myself on and on what I am, but I never come up with answers for my questions. I'm different that’s no doubt about that now, I see what others cannot , I do and think like no one else. I prowls the world , unique in my own way , living amongst those who all seems as strangers for me.

I remember my first day in life completely, it was complete darkness and suddenly in a blink of an eye, I could see ,hear and do what I can do now. I was standing on a playground outside my kindergarten building ,which for the moment I didn't know , I did know nothing and I was just stunned and alive, it took some seconds before in a blink of eye all this knowledge flashed by in my mind, I could talk , I knew names, I knew where I was. In an instant again I was giving the unique abilities to be a child, the childish behaviour ,the fun , the adventures and curiosity of living and learning. The years passed quick when you are a happy child and so it did for me ....

On a dark night in the forest I run into a black mysterious figure and all that I ever knew was going to change, it was tall and dark, like it was made of pure darkness . It devoured me with its presence, its felt exactly like the first day in my life. The world stood still, quite and dark ,I don't know completely what happened but I ran away shortly afterwards. I ran as I have never done before, home and crawled under the bed. I was confused and not afraid like I thought I was, I didn't know why I ran away and I felt a strong attraction to get back. I slept deep that night like it had never happened ,and the next morning I didn't care about it anymore, it was like it had never happened, I just couldn’t care and life went on like before.

The years passed like minutes and I was thinking about my past now, I wasn't a child anymore even if I looked like one: I always felt like I was watched, but every time I looked around there was nothing, I felt I was more different from others, it seem like the world stood still and I was the only one that changed, people were detached and predictable. I couldn't stand being different and not knowing why and how. I begin to search for answers...

I remember the days in church when I asked out the priests on church lessons about god and the meaning of it all. Always I was giving the same answer that I couldn't accept . "god works in mysterious ways and gives his signs of existence in his owns ways and etcetra" . I visited the place I had met this dark figure, but there was nothing , not even signs. So out of boredom and without hope of finding the answers I gave up the search.....

End part one

I took a walk early this morning, just a short walk to cool myself off ,the sun was rising in the horizon. An orange light slowly crawled up in the dark sky.Filled the heaven with its beautiful light, so passionate and peaceful . No words can describe its beauty , you have to see it yourself to understand its beauty.

I felt the heat of the sun already, even if i couldn't see the sun itself ,the sun rays spreading across the vault of heaven and penetrated the skin of mine, it was hot, i had to take of some of my clothes. Lucky for me a cool breeze swept through me and I felt cooler. I watch for a while before i began to walk home , it was still dark when i got home.

I walked down to the basement to feed my animals , the crows got hysterical when I enter, screaming for food, thats all they care about, food. I watch the first raven in the cage, trying to figure out what it was thinking and feeling. It looked at me with its coal dark eyes and screamed for food. I open the refrigerator next to the cage and took a small piece of raw chicken, the screams got lauder. They know there´s is food in that box, I stopped think about the crows, i hold the chicken meat high so they all could see it, i felt control and leadership with the raw chicken it my hand, i smiled a bit . Some crows start waving with there wings, it remind me of some idiots down in the big city, so desperate for pussy on the club you almost felt sorry for them. It has always been meat as meat and will always be. I throwed the meat into the first crow cage, fast the crow jumped down from its resting stick to feed on the chicken . I took out a jar of food and feeded them all.

Then i walked up to wash my hands and sat down next to the computer. I saw some idiots talking abouts blog and thought i could make one too, so here I'm , writing down shit about myself .